YOU AIN'T IN JOISEY ANYMORE

I was on the phone the other day with some relatives from up north and one of them made the poignant observation that I had developed a semi-noticeable twang in my voice. Now I’ve lived down here in North Carolina since I was two, so I really consider myself a southerner of sorts. My family is from New Jersey and since I was a wee lad, I have always been amazed at how it sounds like they are talking through their noses, yet I never see their nostrils move. So either they are pulling off one of the greatest ventriloquist acts of all time, or maybe they are the ones who sound funny. I just recently celebrated my birthday, and it seems to be an unfortunate developing tradition that my relatives sing “happy birthday” into my defenseless answering machine, as I am rarely at home on this monumental day. This year my mum sang with such unbridled talent that the neighborhood dogs broke out in howls. However this was to be outdone by the nasally remix, a duet even, by my grandmum and my auntie that sent my neighbor's cat into a horrifying suicidal plunge of death spirals down the steps of my humble abode...O the power of music!

Anyway I have always considered myself to be the Switzerland of accents, never really leaning one way or the other and just sort of moving through life vocally unnoticeable and noticeably voiceless. As a kid I had the northern accents of my parents and the southern accents of my friends and teachers influencing me, and so they offset, and I never really developed any kind of an accent at all. If there ever were a “Guess Where You’re From” booth at the state fair I would probably win my share of condemned goldfish, Chinese finger traps or other worthless prizes. So it pains me to know that my pacifistic voice box may be taking sides. Nonetheless I am determined to fight that divisive polarity that is tearing this nation apart and to extend olive branch to my Yankee brothers and sisters in hopes that we can one day understand each other again. In exchange for my relearning and incorporating northern terms such as “hiya”, “yeah howaya”, “yuse guys”, and other words one may hear in the Rocky Balboa household, they will attempt to learn the basics of southern chit-chat. Knowing that they face an uphill battle because they have spent their entire existence off some exit of the NJ Turnpike, I have come up with a nifty set of guidelines to assist them in their oral adventure. Please remember this is not intended to be mean or hateful in anyway, but has been carefully constructed as a result of 30 years of real life experience, intense subconscious research, and involuntary assimilation into the southern culture. And so, without further adieu …

The You Ain’t in Joisey Anymore Guide to Southern Communication


1) SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN!!!!!! (I can’t emphasize this enough)
2) Add syllables whenever possible, especially when they are not needed
3) Double negatives are your friend and don’t let nobody tell you no different
4) Terms of affection are shortened…you no longer have a mother, a father, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a brother or sister, son or daughter…from now on you have a ma, a pa, hey you, a bo, and kin (I know this can be confusing but “kin” can be used for your siblings or children, it’s just the way we do things down here…if you really want to talk fancy (see line 8) round yer friends then you can call them “kinfoke”)
5) Anything with more than two legs is a critter or vermin (this includes pandas, giant squids, Omar the Frogboy, Chuck E. Cheese, et al.)
6) If you don’t understand something, laugh
7) Tense is something you are during a NASCAR race when your favorite driver is not in first place, and not a grammatical rule you should adhere to with any semblance of consistency
8) Anything that may seem foreign, odd, or you can’t possibly relate to can be called “fancy”… fancy car, fancy shoes, fancy words, Mister or Miss Fancypants (this is someone with a lot of “fancy” things)