REWRITING THE REDSKIN WRONG

NOTE: this piece is a few years old, and my style is a lot different nowadays, however I like it because I take a position on what was back then a very heated debate, then used my own style to make my point. Please feel free to comment and trash at will...I love the abuse, just ask my boss at work! PEACE! BOH
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Much like decaffeinated coffee, some things are just an outrage from their very inception. Such is the case with a professional sports team that uses a racist slur as a nickname. The debate over the nickname of the Washington Redskins is so mindless it leaves me suffering with chronic cerebral flatulence of a Taco Bell proportion. The political pachyderms and jackasses of the world like to make everything black and white for we the ignorant people. However, this Crayola kid knows there is no blue and green, just shades of aquamarine. Oh now, the defender’s of this “honorable” name are doing their best to complicate the issue, but you can leave your thinking cap off for this one kids, because it’s as easy a drunk date on prom night, and a lot more meaningful.

The defenders of the “sick” name have an interesting grab bag of insulting excuses for why their lives would forever be in shambles if they are forced to accept a new name. Of course their ace in the hole is, as usual, the beloved first amendment. Now I’m no expert on the Constitution, but I don’t remember an amendment that gives every flag-waving murican the unalienable right to interpret its meaning any way they see fit. When someone starts rambling about things like forefathers, God-given rights, and the land o’ the free, I am already thinking they have a weak argument if they have to resort to buzzwords from and 8th grade history chapter. I’m wondering how many people were drawing doodlebugs in the back of class when the “all men are created equal” chapter was discussed.

The failure of our educational system in presenting an accurate and useful representation of the Constitution is even more glaring when you consider what is not taught – the importance of other cultures, such as the contributions of Native Americans, in the foundation of this country’s history. When the significance of another culture is ignored, what is then “learned” and interpreted can only be called “ignorance”, or perhaps more accurately, “mythology”. In what would be the equivalent of watching an afternoon’s worth of Chuck Norris movies and claiming you’re an expert on Vietnam, I suspect many Americans have pulled a Sally Struthers, and have gotten their degrees in Native American History from the comfort of their own couch. Hours of quality snuggle time with the Lone Ranger and John Wayne have memorialized the Native Americans as pesky troublemakers that just don’t seem to know when they are outgunned.

When education and the media fail to present a culture in a positive way, it becomes socially acceptable to be ignorant, and that is dangerous thing. And “ignorant” is certainly the word that comes to mind when I see and hear an entire stadium of folks paying “tribute” to Native Americans with the “tomahawk chop” or a rousing rendition of “Hail to the Redskins”. The pride a Native American must feel when hearing those chants must be close to the same gratification they feel when hearing someone be called an “Indian giver” or a “ticket scalper”. Receiving these types of honors is kind of like receiving a fruitcake on Christmas – it’s nasty, unwanted, and probably given to you by someone who would just assume use your stocking as a diaper bag. Native Americans are tired of being honored on margarine boxes, SUV’s, and baseball caps, and tired of being honored with war paint, fake feathers and foamy hatchets. If people would just stop honoring long enough to put themselves in the same position, they may just see how insulting and degrading their tributes really are.

The main reason people don’t want to change the nickname is that another name just wouldn’t sound right. The Washington Redskins are one of the best-known and storied franchises in all of professional sports. To call them anything else would seem blasphemous to many diehard fans. As a rabid fan of my favorite team, I can certainly relate to that fierce loyalty. You get sucked into the traditions and nostalgia and so even the slightest color change in an away uniform may get you all wound up. However, it would be hard for me to maintain these traditions if I knew that by doing so an entire race of people were being disgraced.

Therefore I’ve decided to take it upon myself to appease all the nay Sayers who are terrified of the phonetic implausibility of a new nickname, and have come up with a few dandies of my own. Now the name of a professional sports team should evoke fear and toughness, as well as be phonetically pleasing and geographically relevant. The Lions, and Tigers, and Bears are already taken, oh my! Therefore this is not as easy as dropping a chocolate bar into a jar of peanut butter people, so bear with me here people, I’m only trying to help.


#5 The Potato Skins

OK, I know what you are thinking, not exactly a ferocious name. The image of a giant bloodthirsty potato skin belly flopping into a vat of sour cream might make the opposing team hungry, but unless they ate a plate of them before bed the night before the game, it probably won’t give them nightmares. However, there are some other winning qualities to this popular artery clogger, so I couldn’t possibly leave it out.

First, the nickname “skins” gets to stay, which would be a Gandi-esque olive branch to extend to the Redskin Right. Giving up only half the name will only ruin half of their lives for all of eternity, which is a generous dab of Vaseline to coat the old proverbial thermometer with before the big plunge. But wait, there’s more than just a spoonful of jelly to make this medicine go down – the colors get to stay as well! Ah yes, the regal maroon and gold are a perfect match for the bacon crumbles and cheddar cheese congealed on top of this deep-fired delicacy. The hard-liners get to keep half the name AND the team colors – it’s like a Double Fantasy without Yoko singing. Just Imagine!


#4 The Capitalist Swine

This one is bound to be a sentimental favorite with the marshmallow-roasting separatists and anarchists hiding out in a neighborhood park near you. The pig on this helmet is no Babe or Wilbur by any stretch of a narrow mind. I’m envisioning a snarling, fire breathing hog with dollar signs in his seedy little eyes, YIKES!!! The owners of The Swine could implement Pentagon pricing, in typical professional sports tradition. Just think, a family of four could get game tickets, plastic Swine noses, a few “not so hot” dogs, and some watered down cokes to pour your liquor into, all for the low-low price of the little ones’ mythical social security checks. In the 4th quarter when the ref blows a call you can throw your empty wallet at him. Be sure to bring some pocket change for the bathroom tax or you’ll be a wiggly squirmy worm when your pal Jack Daniels tries to leave early at halftime. That’s enough to make anyone jump out of their seat and wave a half-burned flag!



#3 The Interns

You may be one of the many people who believe the Monica Lewinsky controversy was blown out of proportion, and let me just say you are right. However this is a great opportunity to bring some entertainment back to a country in dire need of some sex jokes to liven up the daily water cooler chats. Maintaining the respectable “tradition” of “honoring” hard-working people, this name would pay tribute to the little naked people behind the curtains and between the sheets in hotels everywhere that keep the lawmakers of our great land grinning like a pack of coyotes at a roadrunner buffet. I’ve even gone as far as to come up with a new cheer for this team, so grab your tape recorder Linda cause here it comes, everybody sing!

– READY, OK –

“Hail to the Interns,
Hail victory,
If our careers need advancement
We’ll drop down to our knees.”



#2 The Gun Lobbyists

Ask any political pundit who the most feared, powerful, savage, ruthless warriors are on Capitol Hill and they’ll tell you it’s the Gun Lobbyists. No group works harder at keeping a fresh supply of assault rifles, shotguns, and six-shooters available for the honor students in your hometown. No group works more rigorously at preserving the rights of the Elmer Fudds of the world who believe they need an AK-47 to mow down those meddlesome, wascadly wabbits. Defenders of our Constitutional right to kill people, these admirable freedom fighters are most deserving of an honorable tribute. When you go to a Gun Lobbyist game make sure you pack a tech-9 along with your noisemakers and seat cushions just in case you need to cap someone who takes your parking space or cuts in front of you in the hot wienie line.



#1 The REDRUM

There are plenty of reasons to load up the family truckster to visit grand ole D.C. There are more museums, monuments, and malls than you can shake a wet cigar at. You can pay a visit to your local senator if he’s not busy smoothing the sleep creases off his face or getting busy at a Motel 6 with the hired help. You can cuddle with your honey on the muddy polluted banks of the Potomac. You can even sit in on a session of Congress to see the wheels of government in slow motion.

But perhaps the biggest reason why our nation’s capital is the #1 attraction for vacation bible schools and 4H clubs everywhere is that it is the murder capital of the world. Sorry Dublin, tough luck Baghdad, maybe next year Beirut, when it comes to random acts of violence, DC has this one in the body bag. Where else can you see your city’s highest elected official on American’s Funniest Home Videos enjoying a satisfying smoke in his grape smugglers and bathrobe with a nice wholesome young woman in fuck-me pumps. There’s so much snow blowing into Washington these days I hear the name may be changed from the District of Columbia to Little Columbia.

It is with this geographical relevance, demographical data, and phonetic charm that I unveil my personal favorite new nickname for the Redskins – The Washington REDRUM. Dyslexics and movie buffs alike can appreciate the allegorical significance of this wonderful new identity. The name pays respects to the little dead people of the world; the overlooked and under-appreciated John Doe’s and Suzy-Q’s who tirelessly man the freezer at the city morgue. A victory for the REDRUM is a victory for CNN, Cops, and other shows that benefit from the sensationalism and free publicity of senseless yet undeniably entertaining real life violence. The stands will be filled with spirited fans dressed up as serial killers, gangbangers, postal workers, policemen, and other violent offenders. It’s the feel good name of the year and it fits the city like a jimmy hat.

Well kids, that’s the list I’ve sacrificed hours of Judge Judy episodes putting together. Get your votes in now because every vote counts. If you don’t like any of my selections then you can just SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!! Seriously though, you may feel like these names are insulting, ridiculous, humiliating, or even politically incorrect. If this sounds familiar it’s because that’s what Native Americans have been saying about the nickname “Redskins” for quite a while now. No one deserves to feel that way, and that is why it is time to rewrite the Redskin wrong.