New Onion on the Block (Redux)

She was almost home-free, almost. My sister had spent 18 months of her life blown up like a bowling ball with legs; 2 smiley face cuts into her midsection; 4 years of changing pooey diapers; terrible 2’s times 2; 475 checks under the bed for the Boogeyman, his son the Boogerman, the Abominable Snowman, the Heatmizer, Liza Manelli, and other heinous floor dwelling villains; 10001 questions such as “not fair, why can’t I pee in the litter box?”, and over 5000 times answering with the standard default of “cause I said so, that’s why.” Over 11 years of dealing with 2 of them, 2 years apart. That’s a whole lotta “Go to your rooms NOW”. But they were finally becoming little responsible, slightly self-sufficient members of society that had more to contribute than fart jokes and runt rage. My sister would be turning 40 this year, so it was all downhill from here. The light at the end of the tunnel was getting bigger and brighter, and it would soon be safe to give peace a half a chance. So what does she go and do? She has one more.

When she told me she was having another baby I told her somewhere right after “Huh” that she was nuttier than Mr. Peanut’s nutty nut sack. Now don’t get me wrong, as much abuse and torment as they put me through, I love my niece and nephew more than anything in this world. Unless I get a call from The Maury Povich Show and start getting anonymous cards for Happy Baby’s Daddy Day every June, they are like the kids I never had. Even though it is hard to imagine myself in my fifties jumping on the trampoline until I can’t feel my legs, busting my fat ass on roller blades, scooters and pogo sticks, getting hit in the head with a Lil’ Ranchero Geetar, and all the other things I do regularly with the older two, I’m sure I still will. Those kids keep me young, especially since at the end of the day I can just say bye and go home and self-medicate. It just baffles me that people want to have kids in their forties. I guess I never wanted to be the guy at their kid’s graduation that someone comes up and says “I think it’s so great that your grandpa came.” Dammit I’ve worked since I was 13 years old and I want to enjoy my retirement drinking Viagra shakes and farting in banks like other old folks without having to set an example for my youngin who thinks I’m uncool cause I got my trousers yanked up to my saggy manjugs.

I’ve never understood all the hoo-ha about babies, but people just go banana flavored apeshit over them with comments like. “Oh she’s just adorable”, “Oh my how precious”, “She’s just a little princess”. Listen up, babies aren’t cute, they are like cranky, wrinkled little old people with incontinence. How is that cute? I‘ve always thought babies look more like little aliens then people anyway. Their heads are too big for their bodies, they make these indiscernible grunts, and they have these otherworldly phone home fingers. Sounds more like E.T. than a little princess, doesn’t it? And what’s up with these people saying stuff like “Feel that grip. He’s gonna be a football player like just like his daddy!” Look, unless you are the second coming of Nostradamus you don’t know if that kid is going to be a linebacker for the Jets or a jizzmopper at the local spank house. So stop it with all that yammering about how junior is destined for greatness cause you’re putting subconscious unrealistic expectations on that kid, and that can only lead to a life of emptiness and failure, trust me, I know.

On that happy note, it with great pride that I introduce you all to the latest addition to the Onionhead family, Marissa. She loves her Uncle B so much that she has already spit up and sharted on him multiple times. Guess she’s just marking her territory. Her specs: 6lbs and 13 ounces, and 1 foot 7 inches tall. I hate when people say babies are so many inches "long", after all we are talking about people here, not sub sandwiches. She will be a Denver Broncos cheerleader, find a cure for AIDS and cancer, and be the leader of the free world. She is even cuter than bulldog puppies, and yes, she is a princess.


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