IT'S THE DIRTY THOUGHT THAT COUNTS (part uno)

ATTENTION INTERNET SHOPPERS!!!! It's the middle of June and you know what that means don't you? That's right, Christmas is right around the corner! It's never too early to start thinking of the perfect gift for that very special someone. This year you want to give a gift that says more than just “thanks for all the free meals and holding me while I vomit”. Yes, this year you want to make it personal. A gift that brings great pleasure, yet at the same time, helps you really get to know what's inside your sweetie pie.

Fellas, if you're like me, you hate shopping. You hate the crowds, the traffic, the screaming kids, real, real old people in scooters, giant cookies...OK, you like giant cookies, who doesn't like giant cookies, but you hate everything else. Gift certificates are impersonal and say to your girl “it's the thought that counts and, as usual, I thought very little of you.” Day passes to the Spa are so last year and how many facials does one woman need...OK that sounded bad...strong visuals there...Ummm, alright no way out of that one. What I'm trying to say is I know how tough it is, but it doesn't have to be thanks to your friends at drugstore.com.

I know what you're thinking, what could I possibly buy my girl at a drugstore for Christmas that she wouldn't promptly shove back up my jolly ass? You have a good point, but just hear me out. How does a Purple Pepe sound? Don't know what a Purple Pepe is, well, check this bad boy out:



Feel the Difference!

Vibratex™ Deluxe Vibrators' unique design is the result of a centuries-old Japanese tradition of exploring sensual delights.  Featuring the ancient artistic practice of depicting faces of people and animals, an art form which dates back to the era of the Shogun when craftsmen were prohibited from making sex toys resembling male genitalia.  Vibratex™ Vibrators' beautiful design and superior, long-lasting quiet motors make them the favorite choice for the quality-conscious.  Experience one for yourself and feel the difference!

Requires 3 AA Batteries.
Crafted in Japan.
Must be 18 years of age or older to buy.

Warnings:

This device should not be used over swollen or inflamed areas or skin eruptions.  Do not use on unexplained calf pain.  Consult a physician.

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When I first saw that I was like, “Wow, I need a new bong”, but then I read the informative write up of this product and realized this ain't a bong, this is a schlong. A special Pepe for that special lady friend in your life. Whether it be your girlfriend, your loving wife, Phyllis Diller, Xena Warrior Princess, or the nice lady at the giant cookie counter, no woman will be able to resist the motorized charms of this battery powered autoerotic fake crank.

Apparently the Purple Pepe dates back to the days of the Shogun. I find that fascinating. Guess there was more than just the sun rising in Ancient Japan. Imagine! The honorable Samurai were fierce warriors and master Pepe craftsmen. How did they fit it all in? (Heh, I said fit it all in) Here's a transcript from the Autoerotica History Channel, which is channel 756 on your local digital cable package, that might help you better visualize a mysterious time in ancient history where sushi wasn't just for breakfast and dudes wore their hair in buns.

Master Miagi: Daniel-san. Come, let's see your special hand-crafted Pepe. Hurry, the concubines are waiting and I have a bowl of ramen noodles that is getting cold

Daniel-san: Here honorable Master Miagi. I have worked many moons, and molded this Pepe to be the spitting image of my own wiener-san.

Master Miagi: (picks up the fake crank) I don't see too good without my special blue eye contacts....mmm, it is firm to the touch and seems to have adequate girth...wait, wait, what is this hook! Servants, bring me the honorable protractor!

(Indiscernable vowel sounds)

Master Miagi: (after measuring) This hook is impossible! No mortal man can penetrate with such a radical diversion! The fake Pepe must look like a shiskabob, not a boomerang. Are you without honor Daniel-san?

Daniel-san: Master Miagi, I have brought great shame on this honorable house of fake Pepes. You must help me or I will be forced to lie on my hook that I am currently holding in my own hand.

Master Miagi: We make sacred pact. I teach you make fake crank, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions.

Daniel-san: Hey Yoda, speak in English motherfucka.

Master Miagi and Daniel-san share a haughty laugh as Master Miagi hits him over the head with the fake crank (Insert laughtrack...fade to black....)


I think the pretty flower next to the faux-Pepe is a nice touch. It certainly adds some needed feminity to the hardware on display. But why stop there? Throw in a woman on a swing wearing a ribbon-wrapped bonnet and then maybe some doves or butterflies delicately dancing around the Pepe. It might be wise to change the name from the cold and threatening “Purple Pepe” to something charminesque like “April Morning” or “Sweet Felicity”. I'm telling ya, they'd be selling like hotcakes and sausage and the women would be screaming “I'm lovin it!”



As a safety-first shopper, I really appreciate the warning included:

This device should not be used over swollen or inflamed areas or skin eruptions. Do not use on unexplained calf pain. Consult a physician.


This is going to be tough because I know the very first thing women want to do when they have any kind of swelling or skin eruptions is to rub a vibrator on it. Case and point, my ex-girlfriend was cooking me some spaghetti one night and burned her arm:

Ole Girl: (scalding herself on a hot pot of boiling spaghetti) OWWW!!! I BURNED MY ARM!!!!!!!

Onionhead: (laying on the couch with left hand down pants, right hand on remote) Hey, would you shush in there? I'm trying to watch “Who's the Boss”. This is the one where Tony and Angela realize that a woman that wears pantsuits and makes a shitload of money can be madly attracted to a guy that wears an apron and bakes cookies. The sexual tension is killing me.

Ole Girl: But baby, it huuurrrrrttts.

Onionhead: Shhhhh!! I think he's gonna do her!

Ole Girl: (walking into the living room) Obviously once again you are occupied, I'm going to go fetch Purple Pepe.

Onionhead: (regretfully gets up) Oh no you don't! Not on my watch. I see that disgusting skin eruption. (snatches the Pepe out of her clutching hands) There will be no purple passion tonight for you missy! (Looks back at the TV) Do you think Mona is hotter than Angela? I mean she's old and stuff, but she wears it real, real well and has big jugs.

Ole Girl: You are an insensitive boob!

Onionhead: Hey it's toughlove, I saw it on The Maury Show. Did you say boob?

Ole Girl: (door slams) Fuck Off!

Those were the last words she ever said to me. And to this day I still cry anytime somebody tells me to “fuck off”, as long as I'm not in the middle of an important 80's sitcom.

But back to the warnings. As you can see, unexplained calf pain is a no-no for Purple Pepe. Of course if you have other non-calf catastrophic injuries and afflictions, then Purple Pepe should be UP for the challenge. Here's a simplistic chart to better illustrate the potency of Purple Pepe:

decapitation: ====>>> up for the challenge
amputation: ====>>> up for the challenge
tooth decay: ====>>> up for the challenge
broken fingernail: ====>>> up for the challenge
unexplained calf pain: ====>>> DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

The last bit of the warning, “Consult your physician”, is always really good advice in ANY situation. I say that because I really don't do much of anything these days without first consulting my physician. That warning is on almost everything I buy. Here are some warning labels that the average consumer may be familiar with:

On a bag of marshmallows:
before melting on chocolate and graham crackers, please consult physician

On a pair of sandals:
before putting on white tube socks and pulling them up to your knees, please consult physician.

On a Chewbacca mask :
while or after wearing, before trying to get with any chicks, please consult physician

On the toilet paper at work :
before scratching your ass all up with this cheap ass shit, please consult physician

Nonetheless, of all these great reasons to buy the Purple Pepe , what really sold me were the tesimonials:


Mother of GOD! This is the greatest anti-man ever! You will never need a man for the rest of your life! At least in a sexual sense! Every time I use it, it induces a whole new meaning for the word climax! The clitoral stimulating branch adds insurmountable pleasure! This is a must buy!-- Anonymous on March 14, 2005

Ok despite the anti-man reference making me feel utterly useless I kinda liked the “mother of god quote”...it was pretty hot and I would like to see more of the same from my own partner!
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OH MY GOSH! I love my new toy. I always thought that the women who screeched & screamed
during sex was faking. Now I know it is possible, thanks to my rabbit habit vibrator!!!
I never thought it was possible for me to be so
orgasmatic let alone have multiple orgasms.
This is a must have for all women!-- Anonymous on March 18, 2004

haha! They weren't faking after all!
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Not worth the money! The rabbit ears are too flimsy to give me proper stimulation. The shaft is rather thick, which is nice but not nearly long enough if you like stimulation to your vagina and cervix. Thought the vibration power was on the weak side. My personal favorite is the "Clitopatra". It is longer, thicker, and the vibration is great, but it can be intimidating in appearance! Well worth the money though!-- Anonymous on May 21, 2005

OK, somebody is easier than connect the dots...Hello...Hello...Hello...is there anybody in there...in there...in there...
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Words cannot explain how wonderful this toy is. If it was the end of the world and I could have one toy to take with me into outer space, this would be the one!-- Anonymous on June 25, 2003

OK I can respect that. Personally I would take a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine since it makes delicious colorful sno cones. But if you enjoy that vibrator, go nuts.
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So, as you can see, there is really no reason not to buy your girl, or your wife, or Phyllis Diller, or Xena Warrior Princess, or the nice lady at the giant cookie store a Purple Pepe. It's an awesome gift with unlimited returns. OK kids, I'll be back with a gift idea for you ladies next week...

until then...PEACE!!!! and good vibrations!!!! BOH

DO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE IT TO YOU?

Have you ever said something to someone that came out as sexual even though you had no intention for it to be that way? This happens to me all the time, daily in fact. I think it's because of my overuse of ambiguous pronouns, in particular the word “it”.

Case and point, not long ago in my glorifying job as a technical support analyst (i answer phones), I received a call from a young woman who needed some information regarding her company's internet outage. Although she interrupted a rousing game of Super Bounce Out I nonetheless put on my internal happy face and pulled up her information on my screen. I then made a critical error by responding with the following reply:

“I got what you need right here. Do you want me to give it to you?”

What followed was a long period of awkward silence that seemed to last for hours. I knew instantly that what I had just said did not sound real good. In fact it sounded like a line out of a bad porn flick. I could almost hear her jaw drop on the other end.

What I meant to say was “I have the information you requested in front of me. Let me know when you are ready and I will be more than happy to update you.”

But it ended up sounding more like “Yeah baby. I got what you need dangling right here in my hand. Why don't you grab the back of your heels and let me show you why they call me the sausage king of Chicago”. Or something like that.



So what is the best thing to do after making such an oral blunder? (see there's another one). Well in my years of making unintentional sexual innuendos I can say with great authority that the best thing to do after sticking your foot in your dirty mouth is absolutely NOTHING. In the preceding situation, had I tried to explain myself to the young woman with a “O, I'm so sorry I meant give the information to you, haha, that sounded like i wanted to give my umm, well you know hahahaha, my penis...o dear god kill me now.” See, it would have sounded even more awkward, or even worse, like i was admitting that I was really thinking about giving it to her. I had crossed that line, there was no turning back. I repeat boldly and in all caps for emphasis:

DO NOT OFFER AN APOLOGY and DO NOT TRY TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF, you will only make matters worse.

Wait out the silence, it will end eventually. If the silence is too much to bear munch on some corn nuts (not again!!) or slurp on a popsicle (i can't stop!) like some of my rude customers do, or hum one of those annoying gibberish like verses on the phone that people do when they are stalling for time, like a “doopie doopdie doo”. That will send a clear message to the recipient of your over-the-top rude sexual remark that you are just carrying on with business as usual, and any sexual meaning they get is from their own filthy little perverted mind. You see how easy it is to flip the script on them? Its a brilliant tactic, really it is.

OK, I hope this helps any of you out there who like myself continually sound like you want to get in someone's pants when all you really want is a stick of gum or directions to church, or some other innocent non-sexual request. Oh and the next time some PR goober tries to tell you it's not what you say it's how you say it, you tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine.