IT'S THE DIRTY THOUGHT THAT COUNTS (PART DOS)

Someone great once said, “what's good for the goose is good for the gander”. If I knew the genitalia assignment for honking waterfowl then I could interpret that a little better, but I think it means sumthin' like if love is a 2-way street, then getting off better have a passing lane. Word.

Ladies, I have searched long and hard, heh, for a gift that will say to your man “thanks for bringing Purple Pepe into my life, the gift that keeps giving and GIVING!!! and GIVING OOOOOOO!!! and...um sorry, here's your toy, now beat it.” That's right, now you can return the favor to your bo for purchasing his sexual replacement by surprising him with his very own orgasmic orifice.

Decades of tireless research from the nation's top authorities on Aerodynamics, Physics, and Jerkinoffics have gone into the development of this earth-shattering space-age masturbatory technology. When our forefathers founded this great land, I wonder if they could possibly imagine that one day a hard-working man's right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness could only be superseded by his pursuit of a fake vagina? Then again, the forefathers were a bunch of playas and pimps, so what do I know?

So without any further adieu, I present to you, dun dun dun dun...




Behold the artificial magnificence that is The Fleshlight!



The Soft Pink Non-Descript Fleshlight™ has a stylishly discreet appearance. Our soft, pliable, non-vibrating Real Feel Super Skin® sleeve is made from a patented, high-quality material and is designed to replicate the sensations of penetrative sex. Our molded gel insert comes housed in an attractive and sturdy canister that resembles an ordinary utility flashlight. The Fleshlight is easy to use and clean and is 100 percent safe. Designed for discreet storage, the Pink Non-Descript is guaranteed to give you hours of pleasure. With proper usage, your Fleshlight will last a lifetime. Insert has a mild vanilla scent. Also includes a free sample lubricant.

Must be 18 years of age or older to buy.

Daisy in picture measures approximately 2" in diameter)






I don't know about y'all but when I see The Fleshlight I can't help but feel like...like..like...turning off the lights and looking for my keys. NO NO NO, I meant sticking my schlong in there and getting busy. Yeah that's it!

Ladies imagine the expression on your man's face when he opens up The Fleshlight for the first time. You may want to give this gift to him in private (winkie-winkie), cause there is no telling what he may do when he gets his hands around it for the first time. Here is an actual transcript from a couple that just might convince you of irresistible charms of The Fleshlight.


Laura: Happy Birthday George! I got you a special present to unwrap later hun. This is something we both can enjoy. (smiles with a blank, zombie-like stare)

George: Thanks Condi...uh, heh, I mean thanks hun. You sure are good to me (smooch).

Laura: (smiling with a blank, zombie-like stare) OK George. I'm going to go into the kitchen and stare at the wall for a few minutes. Whatever you do, don't go into the War Room without me. I have another surprise for you in there.

George: Ok buttercup, have fun doing absolutely nothing

Laura: I always do, cupcake! (Laura exits the room)

George: (whispering) Thank the lord that dumb cluck left. Now I can sneak a peeksy at my present, Hee hee hee! (George carefully unwraps one corner of the gift) Hmmm, can't tell what it is, looks like a flashlight. Nah can't be a flashlight, I have a flashlight already. Awww jeeez, I just gotta know (He tears into the paper, what a Curious George is he!) Darn, it is a flashlight. Wait, these words make a sentence! (reading slowly while mispronouncing most of the words) “Designed to replicate the feeling of penetrative sex.” I don't know what those big words mean but I'm starting to feel tingly inside. This flashlight has a hole in it. Hee-hee-hee, George Jr, you are a naughty boy. Oh I can't, I just can't. Aww shoot, all I need is a minute if that, I'll go into the War Room, there's no one in there and it's dark as hell. Hee-hee-hee.

Meanwhile back in the kitchen...

Laura: Ok everybody. I want you all to go into the War Room through the back door. Now be quiet cause I sho don't want George to know you are in there, cause that would just spoil everything. When you hear the words “Ride'em cowboy” thats when I want you to jump up and shout “surprise” ,and Karl, you turn the lights on. Got it. Good. Ok assume your positions everyone. Um, Donald stop grabbing your ankles and get moving.

Our story resumes in the War Room, which George, with Fleshlight in hand, has just discretely tiptoed into...

George: (still whispering, but in an excitable tone) Where's that bad little monkey. Looks like I might need to smoke' em out. Hee- hee. (Zzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiip!) This sure feels mighty nice in my hand. (George pulls out the First Wiener and inserts into the Fleshlight ) OOOO yeah, this is definitely the best flashlight I have ever had relations with. Mmmm oooo Condi baby work it work it, oh yeah Hillary, that's right whose your daddy! That's right, that's right... WOO HOO! RIDE'EM COWBOY!!!”

Suddenly the lights turn on

“SURPRIIIIIISSSSSEEEEEE!!!”

Despite the awkward interruption George is absorbed in the Fleshlight moment, and never notices his prestigious cabinet, esteemed foreign dignitaries, and Larry King, fabled host of CNN's Larry King Live, standing there watching the most powerful man in the world standing on the war room table, with pants around his ankles, spanking imaginary asses.

George: (eyes closed and thrusting like a madman) FINISHING!!!!! Come on and hear, come and hear, Alexander's ragtime band! Come on and hear, come and hear, it's the best band in the land! EEEGGGAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Karl: Sir, that was political suicide.....(KABOOM!!! Karl's head explodes but no one seems to care cause he's an asshole.)

George: whew...(out of breath, and justifiably so, looks around at his colleagues and Larry King who are all just standing in shock about what they have just witnessed) whew... whew...whew...this here is hard work!

Laura: O George, how could you, you ruined the surprise! (runs off into the kitchen to stare at the wall)

Colin: Sir, I've been waiting to say this for almost five years now. You are an absolute moron. OK, that being said, can I get you a cigarette, a towel, maybe a snik-snak or some kool-aid?

Tony B: Don't move, George. I'll get the towel! It's what I do best.

Condi: (looks down at her feet) Does this mean I'm fired? You know I can do that plus I know classical piano and ten foreign languages. Look into my gap tooth, you're getting sleepy, very sleepy.

Vladimir P: Mmmm, Condi you have nice legs, are you up for some international relations? (the Russian accordion version of “chikka-wakka-chikka wakka” is heard in the background)

Donald: Our intelligence sources indicate a parakeet may have flown into the no-fly zone. Can we raise the terror alert from code Bert to code Ernie sir?

Osama: All American Pig Dogs must die! (sneakily wearing a party hat instead of his usual turban, with tongue out showing the heavy metal sign for goat head). Hey Donald, what time are we having cake?

Larry King: I look like a praying mantis with suspenders and have been having irregular bowel movements for the last two weeks. Stay tuned for the compelling details!

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So as you can see the Fleshlight almost caused an international incident! Yes the temptation is that strong! So just imagine what it could do for your unimportant schmuck of a man.

There are quite a few things about The Fleshlight that separate it from the regular run of the mill fake vaginas. First, the “stylishly discreet appearance” and “ attractive and sturdy canister that resembles an ordinary utility flashlight” are a refreshing change to the standard fake vagina on the market. I hate it when I'm at a ballgame or a wedding shower and I pull out my standard fake vagina for a little relief and some rude person says “hey pervert, put that away before I call the cops”. Like it's any of their business. Nosy fucks! The Fleshlight allows you to milk the cow without disturbing the rest of the herd, if you know what I mean (nudge, nudge).


Secondly, “The Fleshlight is easy to use and clean and is 100 percent safe”. This is good to know, because I always say masturbation is like shooting and illegal firearm, “safety first”. With it's long shaft and happy deposit bag, The Fleshlight protects you, your clothes if you are wearing any, and random passers-by from the erratic projectiles of your eruptions. Just think, the shouting of “thar she blows” will be a thing of the past!

Thirdly, “With proper usage, your Fleshlight will last a lifetime”. This is good to know because I for one have been know to treat my fake vaginas like a disobedient three-legged dog. So I guess you could hit it from the front or the back, you could let it ride on top, or do it over washing machine, or hit it outside over the clothesline or in the hot tub, or on a plane or on a train, or in a boat or with a goat, you could hit your Fleshlight here or there, you could hit it anywhere. Hmm, this kinda makes me wonder what improper usage is. I mean you would have to treat it like Whitney Houston for an extended period of time just to put a dent in it.


Lastly, “Insert has a mild vanilla scent”. That means it smells just like a real vagina. MMMMM, vanilla. I don't know about you fellas out there but when I get a couple scoops of Breyers Vanilla Bean I get a little crazy, know what I'm sayin? That's right, it's on the lips, on the lips! I wonder however if there are peeps out there that try to please The Fleshlight before entering, I mean what kind of freak would you have to be to do that?

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Alrighty then, if these reasons are not enough, here are some real testimonials from people who cared enough to review fake vaginas:


** This item is ok at best. First, you have to use 1/2 bottle (about $4 worth) of lube to stay comfortable; it dries out fast! I tried Astroglide, Omy and the provided lube, and all were the same. Second, you have to be careful when using it in vacuum mode that the insert does not slip inside from the vacuum. This causes your unit to SCRAPE the plastic housing!!! Ow!! Third, there is a casting bump just at the opening which can cause irritation after a few minutes. Fourth, there should be a pressure relief for the vacuum mode so you don't push lube into your penis when inserting. Slightly cracking the cap helps.
The best way for vacuum mode is to remove the cap and use your free hand palm down on the plastic. When inserting, lift your palm and then seal it on the way off. This will create great vacuum. NOT WORTH THE PRICE!!!
-- Pete on June 23, 2005



Ok, Pete here gives an honest review. When he talks about scraping his “unit” I feel like he is speaking from the heart. Also he gives instruction for the layman, who may not be as privy with the fake vagina as he is. Thanks Pete!





***** Holy Smokes! This is truly an amazing product that perfectly simulates my memory of both oral and vaginal sex!!!!!! I can easily control the motion of the movement and also (a huge plus) the amount of suction you feel by unscrewing the cap. I have tried a couple of similar gadgets but they were nothing compared to this product. Use your imagination guys! An absolute winner and top of the class for toys for boys.
-- BABINE-NJ on April 4, 2005


Babine from New Jersey gave this a great review. However I'm a little concerned about his “memory of both vaginal and oral sex”, cause if that memory is from World War II then simulating sex in a hostess snack cake would probably be amazing too. Also he instructs us to “use your imagination guys.” Umm, dude, it looks like a freakin flashlight, if my imagination ain't working, then I got some serious issues.




***** The FLESHLIGHT has changed the way I deal with daily masturbation routine. Trust me this is not an easy thing to do...I have been using this for just a few days but I actually think it's better than the real McCoy. Thank you for changing my life!
-- Phil on March 30, 2005

Everybody meet Phil, the LOSER!!! Seriously though, thanks Phil, I feel better about myself.




**** My, how far male masturbation devices have come in 10 years. The Fleshlight really is extraordinary. While nothing can replace the real thing, this comes as close as you can get. I didn't get a sample lubrication gel, so I just use Liquid Silk (another great purchase, my wife loves it too!). It's a snug entry, but a smooth ride. Ribs every 3/4" provide additional stimulation. The soft, bulbous mound adds to the experience as it hits your body. Without lube the surface is a bit tacky, which feels great against the balls. My only complaint is that the orgasms are too intense for my liking, but others will find that a bonus. Overall, WELL worth the money!
-- Anonymous on January 28, 2005


This is a great review. He certainly has the fake vagina credentials that speak words about his expertise. He even took measurements which is pretty cool and the words “soft, bulbous mound” are pretty hot. But he kind of lost me with his “ My only complaint is that the orgasms are too intense for my liking” C'mon dude, too intense? That's like saying those fireworks were too loud and too colorful. What's the point? Man up motherfucka!




** Well, I had heard of this thing awhile ago, I figured I would give it a shot. Maybe it is just me, but it didn't feel tight enough. And the plastic seems a bit cheap, loose in some places while in use.
I had to get used to it, but when it works, it works well. Worth the price? Not sure, but nothing beats the real thing, IMO.
-- Anonymous on June 19, 2005


Hey Pencildick, maybe you should start out with an anthill and work your way up the food chain, okay dawg?





***** You may have heard of these, they truly are AMAZING! With most sleeves (even the senso sleeves), you can tell when using that although it feels awesome, you KNOW it's going to break; however THIS is totally different!!!! Super stretchy and awesome for penetration. The only time I've heard of men tearing these is when they use oil-based lubricants; the manufacturer supports ID Glide, which makes it feel AMAZINGLY real!!!! You should ALWAYS use water-based, ID is the best for most, sometimes sticky though. I've tried it with Liquid Silk simply because I love the feel of it. :) It's a great value to buy it here. If you're not into masturbation with your hand and prefer the real thing, try this; it feels so real!
-- Tony, Kansas City, KS on November 9, 2004



This guy has been around the block. He's a fake vagina ho. See him quoting other products, I'm impressed. Apparently he has peeps that also partake because he says “the only time I've heard of men tearing these is when they use oil-based lubricants”. Obviously he has done his research, and it appears to be scientifically sound. He concludes with “if you're not into masturbation with your hand and prefer the real thing, try this”. Ok whatever like I didn't know that masturbating with my hand is so 2004. Thanks Tony from KC!

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Well, there you have it ladies. I have called drugstore.com to let them know to stock up on The Fleshlight in anticipation of the inevitable shopping frenzy you are all working yourself up to. Now you both can have your own artificial sexual device and will really only need each other for tax purposes or rent money. Dare to dream! Until next time....

Peace and Good Vibrations!!! BOH